One Year Later...

Jake and Ben on 8/4/07

It's hard to believe an entire year has come and gone since we lost Jake. This past week was trying at times, but far and away not nearly as difficult as it might have been if current circumstances were different. Wednesday the 13th was the hardest for me, since that's the day Jake stopped breathing, but marking the day of his actual passing and the funeral was hard as well. Luckily, there was plenty to keep us distracted...

Alex
What a precious gift to us at this time of year. We all have enjoyed our time together so far. Alex is such a good baby. He doesn't even mind having sponge baths, something both Ben and Jake would cry through the entire time (until their cords fell off and they could have a "real" bath). He just lays there calmly taking everything in. Last night he slept from just before 11pm until nearly 4:30! Then after he was done nursing he went right back to sleep and I woke him up at 8am. He has truly been a blessing for us.

Ben
Everyone knows how amazing Ben has been throughout the last year, both distracting us from the pain of Jake's loss and reminding us just how much he loved his first little brother. Sunday morning Ben told me he had a dream about Jake. "Jake was a big boy, and he was riding a tricycle." He sometimes gets confused about Alex and Jake, because he still remembers his dear baby brother, and having a new baby is understandably confusing. Though it can be painful when Ben asks about Jake, clearly still not understanding the permanence of Jake's passing, it is also comforting to know that in some way he remembers Jake and cherishes him still.

Beckham
In the torment of losing Jake, there was a silver lining that helped us keep everything in perspective. By donating Jake's heart we knew that some part of him would live on and another family could benefit from this terrible loss we suffered. So many people have told us what a brave and selfless thing it was to donate Jake's heart, but we needed it as much as the recipient did -- it gave sense and purpose to something inexplicable in our lives. Months ago Andy found a blog belonging to a family that lives in Iowa. The baby boy received a heart transplant on August 16th at two weeks old. We knew a two week old boy in Iowa received Jake's heart, and the date was right, too. We had it confirmed through the donor organization, and have been able to silently watch Beckham's journey from the sidelines. He turned one on August 1st, and despite some ups and downs and illnesses (not related to his heart), our Jake's heart continues to beat within this child, who is so well loved by his family and truly a miracle. What a comfort to us to know that Beckham is cherished and loved just as Jake was by us, and in return this family loves Jake as we did. And we love Beckham. Andy and I intend to write to them and send Beckham a first birthday gift, but the right time hasn't arrived yet. For now it is enough to know that they Beckham is thriving, he is loved, and Jake is remembered.

So thus we are thrice blessed on this one year anniversary, by three unique boys who comfort us in unique ways. This is to say nothing of the other comforts we have: the new house, providing us with a new surrounding, lacking the painful memories of last year; our friends and family, who have helped us, comforted us, and kept our minds off the pain (a special thanks to Sara, Todd, Lois and their children, who spent Wednesday evening with us and kept us from dwelling on the things we were doing at the same time a year before); the wonderful doctors and members of the donor organization who have remembered us in correspondence this month; and the doctors, midwives and nurses who helped bring Alex safely into this world.

Alex and Ben on 8/18/08